I just couldn't leave it alone, so I went back. And it is better. It felt bogged down the first time because Swan (the main character) was entering an important new area for the first time and I'd included loads of detailed description.
The instinctive thing to do is to cut the description down to the bone, but I didn't want to be so minimalistic in this section, though I did do quite a bit of cutting. But I also did a lot of adding. What I realized had happened was the description sat all by itself with no particular pull in the story. So while I tightened the description, I also started adding in Swan's thoughts, feelings, hopes, etc, as she enters this new place for the first time and looks around. I also found ways to tighten the sentences through punctuation, white space, etc.
So it isn't perfect, but it's good enough I feel I can move on with the story. I don't feel it sitting behind me, sniffling with a bad case of the adjectives.
And I'm done for the week. Tomorrow I'm performing with a band in the afternoon and days I sing I have a case of the nerves and I know I won't be able to write. And then Sunday morning is church, so I'll get back to it all on Monday.
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